Depression

This topic is very personal for me, suffering for depression doesn’t make you weak or less of a human than everyone else.  It’s sadly rather common and there are different stages or types of despression.  What’s crazy about depression, is that one event can trigger a down pour of sadness and if not caught, it will lead to years of struggling to overcome.  You might be asking, “did you overcame your depression?”  I can only say it’s not as bad as it use to be and I do my best not to trigger anything, but overall I am in a good place in my life mentally and is very grateful.

My despression started when after I got sick at 20 years old with the stomach flu on December of 2007.  Due to my asthma, I have a very weak immune system so when my coworker got the virus, it’s rather contagious for two weeks, and sadly I got it.  After first I was just trying to get better but things just got worst in my stomach, all the doctor had to do was give me antibiotics for the gastritis (my mom who was a nurse asked him to do so) but according to my mom he seem disappointed that I didn’t have something worst like cancer for him to be serious about.  He told me to keep taking the medicine the hospital gave me and sent me on my way.   The medicine, “protonixs” wasn’t working and I kept feeling such horrible pains in my stomach, so painful I wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone.  It felt like my stomach was being cut opened and they would put massive amounts of salt on that open wound.  I couldn’t eat, I was losing a lot of weight rapidly and became dangerously skinny, some thought I looked good but I was never a skinny person i was always chubby and at 5’10 &1/2 being in the 160’s was disgusting to me.  My coworkers started calling me “ Eeyore” from the Winnie the Pooh show not realizing how sad I was becoming I started talking slow and down.  No one cared to understand how sad I was getting and why I couldn’t eat “just eat” or “take this” and “take that” but nothing I took was working.  Doctors couldn’t understand why I was in pain all the time, I was in and out of the hospitals and even other areas in my life was getting worst and worst, I wasn’t insured so the bills were coming in and making $7.50 an hour working at Macy’s wasn’t cutting it.  What really hurt was when people would tell me “it’s all in your head” “stop faking, you ain’t sick” that right there devasted me because no one not even the doctors believed me, I remembered one doctor said “stop eating fried chicken and pork fried rice”. I was so taken aback but that statement because at that point I was only eating slice toast with no butter, soup and water.  That was the only foods that didn’t give me massive heart burn and that stabbing feeling in my stomach, I developed a habit of watching people eat, something I still do to this day not like I use to but I try to not to do it anymore lol since I was so in awe at what they can eat and not feel pain.  At 21 years old, I was smelling like acid, no one understood my pain and I felt more alone then I ever did, I started shopping a lot because I met an old man and my coworkers told me “you are young and dating go buy some different colors other than black”. I use to dress in black a lot (still do) because black is my favorite color, people thought I was a “goth” but no, I just liked the color black🤷🏾‍♀️.  That triggered my nasty shopping addiction that I finally got control over 8 years later! (I will be writing a book about that soon) debt, illness, a shitty older man as a boyfriend who will call me baby when I didn’t give him a blowjob, it was a lot, I felt like crap literally and figuratively.  I don’t remember when I started hearing the voices in my head but it came soon enough.  They will tell me how worthless I am, no one loved or cared about me and that I should kill myself, I think I heard voices in my head for about 5 or 6 years? They ended in 2014 when I guy I always liked at my job just plain shitted on me and just stopped talking to me out of nowhere for no reason…at least fuck me first and THEN stop talking to me.  😩That’s what messed my head of even more, trying to figure out his problem but I am grateful to him and I even told me that when he did start talking to me again (on and off😒) because of him and acting weird on me, the voices finally stopped.  Those voices are pure demons, they nearly got me a couple times to the point where I prefected on killing myself without feeling the most pain.  My way of thinking was this:  with all this pain, why should I die while feeling pain too?  My willpower was strong and fought those demons off because I didn’t want kill myself, I never understood why I would stop myself but it is what it is.  I always try to educate people on sucide, they aren’t weak for killing themselves, do you know how much power it takes to kill another human being let alone yourself?  It takes great strength to do something like that, to be that low on sadness to the point where killing yourself is the only option.  For me, not to hear those voices in my head I always had to keep myself occupied, going on dates with guys, hobbies whatever.  People thought I always needed a man but since they were assholes to me before with my illness, how can I tell them about the voices in my head?  I learned at a young age to harden my feelings to what people thought and just kept everything inside which wasn’t good either.  I am like a broken record that tends to dwell on the past, who hurt me and why, how to  figure out ways for a better outcome etc.  There were only a few guys I ever loved and the last one it took two years to finally get over him truly.  Smiling for the world but is dying inside, no one to talk to because I always got ignored (I used to spam text people just to not hear those voices in my head aswell).  It’s not like I had much friends to begin with, I was always picky on who I let in but alas, people suck lol.  Having consist self loathing, I hated that the most,  “how can my own mind betray me like this?”  What else can I do  if my own mind can’t control my thoughts?  Depression isn’t like an off switch, one minute you are good and then that darkness takes over, how I hated that darkness.  But for those who struggle, I am here to tell you that there is a light towards that tunnel, right now I only see a glimpse of it but believe you and me I am drinking it all up.  If I was to do something differently I would seek help sooner, I never wanted to go because at that point I didn’t trust doctors, as for my illness, two of my more level headed former coworkers (quit working at Macy’s in 2010) told me about eating organic, I was of course Ignorance and reluctant but I tried it, changed my eating habits  completely, not to mention in 2009 I finally found a doctor that gave me  antibiotics and I started to gain weight again!  I didn’t have GERDS like I use to my IBS stopped and I was still getting heartburn and still couldn’t wear jeans etc but no more pain!😁  Pain triggers my despression like personal pain so I am like a rock now, “ice queen” some people call me lol

For those who are suffering right now, do know there you aren’t alone because you have people like me that will be here to read and listen to you, I don’t want people to suffer alone like I did, that can lead to reckless stuff.  People suck and they lack empathy, they truly do not understand until they themselves felt it and it shouldn’t be like that.  Like I already wrote,  you aren’t alone and keep going because eventually you will find that purpose in life your “WHY” and when you do, shine at it!

red lighted candle
Photo by imagesthai.com on Pexels.com

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