Life.

Why does life constantly throw hard balls at you? How many times can one get knocked down and constantly get up again? As for me, personally, I’ve been knocked down so many times it doesn’t phase me anymore. Have I really become some emotionless being that just doesn’t care anymore? Or do things not surprise me?

It’s been a while since I wrote my last blog. The new “Tamara” gets so lazy and sidetracked now I tend to forget and stop caring. I have to laugh about this because in my 20s, I had so much drive, so much ambition, I sit down and think to myself: “where did that all go?” Yes, where DID that drive to succeed go?. Back then, I was doing everything wrong because I was doing what I’ve been told: “go to school and get a “safe job”. Every time I tried school out things never worked out, I mean I got good grade etc but long story short, I always had to end up losing in the end. I won’t go into details now because I don’t to talk about since no one understand. No one cares to understand I am accept that and stay silent for the most part.

Clearly I am not wealthy yet LOL

I am going back to work today, the investments I made in July one will come on December 17th but the music still will take some time. I pulled my back out in September and was out of work for 2 weeks. The only reason why I went back so soon we due to the fact I was getting a new bid in a area where I wouldn’t have to constantly strain my back and knee, that dream of easy work ended that Tuesday when I was told to go on the machines. Relieving breaks is fine but I knew once they ask you, they would make it a habitual habit to pull me another female in our are to those machines. My back and knee were hurting again, so I got a note from my doctor limiting what I did on the machines, and that asshole of a supervisor from the machines told me to get off the clock and come back when I get paperwork. That was 10/16/18, I wasn’t even in my area for 2 weeks before being sent out of the building. The union told me to go on unemployment and another supervisor gave me light duty forms so my doctor can fill out. I work in the post office processing plant in white plains NY, according to the union and its “laws” or whatever they call it, you can’t pull people out of their bided area and move them elsewhere if there is mail in their areas. To add insult to injury, they would put overtimers in my area while I had to work on the machines for 5 + hours and take me lunch every night at the end.

What prompted me to get the restriction form, on that Friday, I was told my that supervisor to “work faster and keep up with the mail”. I told him “this is a 3 person job now, the machine is long the mail is coming out too fast and I am in pain, I can wait any faster, bring me another person to help sweep the machine or drop it, I can’t keep up”. He said I have to work fast and walked away, so I started yelling at him “this isn’t my bid”. But he never responded. A few “old heads” and even a supervisor told me “he can’t say that so go get a note from the doctor”. I did, but it back fired and I was out of the building for 3 weeks.

My supervisor, put in sick leave I was grateful because I had something coming to me to pay my bills but if anything were to happen I won’t be cover much now. I wanted to do the right thing to cover myself and not get hurt and this incompetent supervisor sends me out the building when my own supervisor did see the need for me to leave? My bid is in the manual letter aisle, light duty is in the letter aisle. I told the DB (machines) supervisor, “I can work my bid no problem, I just have issues working on the machines for too long, why should go on light duty for an area I am already in?” He said I had a restriction so I had to leave. So I left….

There is a way of treating people, I’ve worked there for 8 years and from time to time I get treated like crap, but this took the cake. I got comfortable because it was a stable income to pay off my debt and help me do more investments to gain the comfortable lifestyle I feel I deserve. Life is funny, but I do know everything happens for a reason, and I do believe/rather be sent out the building ok then to get hurt on the job and I won’t be the same again. That’s where I felt my body was going and this is why I tried to cover myself because I don’t want to permanently hurt or disable myself for a job that doesn’t give two shits about me.

I really don’t want to go back there, I am looking for something new, I don’t want to go back to school, I hate it and my brains are fried, I can’t remember a thing sadly. So what is there for me to do? I will go there and work, I feel so indifferent about the whole situation, I did fill the form out and apparently I was suppose to be back 2 weeks ago but the person put my form in the wrong mail box 😐

The union will grieve the 3 weeks I was out and I will make sure that they do! I hate it there, there is no future in the post office sadly. This is what happens when they choose yes people instead of people who care about the mail and how it’s sent out. Yes I was overlooked many times to become a supervisor or in plant, but it is whatever, I know what I must do to be comfortable and I will strive for that!

Until next time!!!💖

My first book

I know I haven’t updated this blog in a while but now I am here with a new post.

I published my first book today and it’s titled “I don’t need your approval” it’s a short children’s book about a girl loving an accepting herself no matter what other say about her. I wrote up this book in ten minutes after coming home from work. That day I got into a nasty argument with a mechanic at my job, I am glad for this because not only I took a month off of work after that (I had a lot of paid time off saved lol) I invested in a few projects that will be very lucrative in the near future, so you can definitely say I am excited about the future lol.

Having many money stream coming in so I wouldn’t have to work a regular 9-5 anymore is my ultimate goal. I love laying in my bed knowing money is coming in, now don’t get me wrong, I have to work for this money but it’s a different kind of work that isn’t traditionally done by the masses.

I love turning negative situation into a positive one, this what is what I’ve been doing lately, life is far to short to be sitting there mad at the world and those who done you wrong. There is money to be made people and the opportunities are endless.

Sure, money isn’t everything, but it sure as hells solves a lot of problems lol. I am on a different grind you know? And this have be looking up for me, not only I am grateful I am very proud of myself and I will keep moving forward and i implore you all to do the same~

Until next time 💖

Link to my book :

What to do when shit hits the fan?

I won’t be posting much right now because I am currently working on a project and I am in a desperate need for a coder! I am not to tech-savvy neither is my co-creator of this project, I am learning how to code and it’s all in German to me. I can not understand a thing!

Yesterday I got news that my first project was shut down by the FTC, if you all don’t know what the FTC is they are the federal trade commission, and they deal with businesses. I highly doubt they will come back but luckily, I didn’t invest too much money (only $2,500) but their financing team messed up my credit score when I told them what not to do. I am 30 years old and I know all too well, you live and you learn, I worked very hard to get my credit back in the 750’s and it’s destroyed now, I will work on getting a new identity to start anew. A fresh start is what everyone needs sometimes.

A lot of people who invested thousands are dollars and that was their only source of income I feel for them, but instead of getting mad and staying mad, it’s time to re-group and do what I do best: damage control. Getting a new name and social security number, focusing on my other project is what I plan on doing. You can’t stay in a rut for too long because you are going to be hurting yourself and your finances further. Did you have a plan B, C or down? If so go do them! Look for other ways to make an income, if you quit your job, see if you can get your job back or find someone to have a stream of income coming in. I don’t believe in hope, I only say it as a “phrase”. I just do, I cannot wait on hope because that means I will be waiting forever I sadly as humans, we do not have forever.

With that being said, it sucks for me right now but it isn’t has bad as those who spend $30,000+ on their products, I got a great idea from only spending $2,500 so I gotta flip that into millions…I JUST NEED A CODER LOL!

Until next time 💖

How are you spending your time?

Today’s blog is about time, as soon as i realized it, I haven’t blogged in 5 days! It’s not that I didn’t want to, it’s more like time just slipped me by. These past couple of months my memory for some reason has been very fuzzy and I have trouble remembering things at time. This is why it prompted me to write about time.

You are probably thinking 24 hours in a day is a long time, but if you sit down and think about it, it really isn’t. We spend 4-8 hours sleeping, another 4-8+ hours at work or school, then there is family and social life. After your regular day is done, how do you spend what’s little left of that day on bettering yourself, your career or your future endeavors? If you are fine on where you are at and just spend your time unwinding and watching TV that is fine too, but for me, I need to do more.

Time isn’t on anyone’s side, nor can one go back into time and change the past, I decided after dropping off my friend Aaron to the train station on Saturday I want to retire by the age of 35. I will be 31 in July, so I obviously do not have much time left lol. I am ok with all of this because my mind is where it needs to be to become successful and I am grateful to be around a like minded individual like my good friend Aaron. When you find someone like this build and network with them, who knows where it can lead you! This Saturday that just past made me realize that so many days has past since my last blog and I felt I didn’t know anything constructive to better myself. Luckily when it dawned on me, I am back on my grind and motivated more than ever. I am tired of working, I am tired of settling, tired of being broke, and I tired of just being tired! The time I have to myself now I am reading up on business, learning someone on making more money (the non-traditional way), am removing the clutter in my life: getting rid of old clothes, throwing out things I do not use anymore and making an office space in my small room to focus on my business….eventually I sleep and wake up to do other things. Instead of constantly looking at the same things over and over again in Instagram and Facebook (which I catch myself doing again lately) I tried to tune all those things out and focus on reading and learning. How can I retire at 35 if I am looking at cute cat videos on Instagram? Lol

It’s what you are doing with your time matters, tomorrow isn’t promised so what your YOU doing to live your life without regrets? I watched a lot of Korean dramas and Japanese anime’s about people dying, not to mention my mom was a nurse for 40 years, and they all have said the same thing before and after they died (as ghost) “I have so much more to do”. Can you die today and say “I’ve lived my life to the fullest and have no regrets?” I know I can say “at least I tried lol🤷🏾‍♀️”. But on a seriously manner, too many people are taking time out for granted, I understand we all have responsibility and priorities but do something for yourself once in a while, if you can afford to do so, treat yourself to a favorite food spot or spa. What I am getting at is too many people are living their lives for others and other peoples expectations for them and when they want to do something for themselves, it is sadly to late.

So to end this blog, start writing in a journal when you have time, your thoughts, feelings, goals and dreams. When you start writing something out or saying it out loud, you are putting it out in the universe in existents, believe you and me, it’s a very powerful thing to do. While figuring out what you want out of life (goal-wise) what you are doing to make that goal a reality? Today is the day to start, stop procrastinating, stop bullshitting and DO IT. Time waits for no one my friends, so it’s up to you how you use your time while alive~

Depression

This topic is very personal for me, suffering for depression doesn’t make you weak or less of a human than everyone else.  It’s sadly rather common and there are different stages or types of despression.  What’s crazy about depression, is that one event can trigger a down pour of sadness and if not caught, it will lead to years of struggling to overcome.  You might be asking, “did you overcame your depression?”  I can only say it’s not as bad as it use to be and I do my best not to trigger anything, but overall I am in a good place in my life mentally and is very grateful.

My despression started when after I got sick at 20 years old with the stomach flu on December of 2007.  Due to my asthma, I have a very weak immune system so when my coworker got the virus, it’s rather contagious for two weeks, and sadly I got it.  After first I was just trying to get better but things just got worst in my stomach, all the doctor had to do was give me antibiotics for the gastritis (my mom who was a nurse asked him to do so) but according to my mom he seem disappointed that I didn’t have something worst like cancer for him to be serious about.  He told me to keep taking the medicine the hospital gave me and sent me on my way.   The medicine, “protonixs” wasn’t working and I kept feeling such horrible pains in my stomach, so painful I wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone.  It felt like my stomach was being cut opened and they would put massive amounts of salt on that open wound.  I couldn’t eat, I was losing a lot of weight rapidly and became dangerously skinny, some thought I looked good but I was never a skinny person i was always chubby and at 5’10 &1/2 being in the 160’s was disgusting to me.  My coworkers started calling me “ Eeyore” from the Winnie the Pooh show not realizing how sad I was becoming I started talking slow and down.  No one cared to understand how sad I was getting and why I couldn’t eat “just eat” or “take this” and “take that” but nothing I took was working.  Doctors couldn’t understand why I was in pain all the time, I was in and out of the hospitals and even other areas in my life was getting worst and worst, I wasn’t insured so the bills were coming in and making $7.50 an hour working at Macy’s wasn’t cutting it.  What really hurt was when people would tell me “it’s all in your head” “stop faking, you ain’t sick” that right there devasted me because no one not even the doctors believed me, I remembered one doctor said “stop eating fried chicken and pork fried rice”. I was so taken aback but that statement because at that point I was only eating slice toast with no butter, soup and water.  That was the only foods that didn’t give me massive heart burn and that stabbing feeling in my stomach, I developed a habit of watching people eat, something I still do to this day not like I use to but I try to not to do it anymore lol since I was so in awe at what they can eat and not feel pain.  At 21 years old, I was smelling like acid, no one understood my pain and I felt more alone then I ever did, I started shopping a lot because I met an old man and my coworkers told me “you are young and dating go buy some different colors other than black”. I use to dress in black a lot (still do) because black is my favorite color, people thought I was a “goth” but no, I just liked the color black🤷🏾‍♀️.  That triggered my nasty shopping addiction that I finally got control over 8 years later! (I will be writing a book about that soon) debt, illness, a shitty older man as a boyfriend who will call me baby when I didn’t give him a blowjob, it was a lot, I felt like crap literally and figuratively.  I don’t remember when I started hearing the voices in my head but it came soon enough.  They will tell me how worthless I am, no one loved or cared about me and that I should kill myself, I think I heard voices in my head for about 5 or 6 years? They ended in 2014 when I guy I always liked at my job just plain shitted on me and just stopped talking to me out of nowhere for no reason…at least fuck me first and THEN stop talking to me.  😩That’s what messed my head of even more, trying to figure out his problem but I am grateful to him and I even told me that when he did start talking to me again (on and off😒) because of him and acting weird on me, the voices finally stopped.  Those voices are pure demons, they nearly got me a couple times to the point where I prefected on killing myself without feeling the most pain.  My way of thinking was this:  with all this pain, why should I die while feeling pain too?  My willpower was strong and fought those demons off because I didn’t want kill myself, I never understood why I would stop myself but it is what it is.  I always try to educate people on sucide, they aren’t weak for killing themselves, do you know how much power it takes to kill another human being let alone yourself?  It takes great strength to do something like that, to be that low on sadness to the point where killing yourself is the only option.  For me, not to hear those voices in my head I always had to keep myself occupied, going on dates with guys, hobbies whatever.  People thought I always needed a man but since they were assholes to me before with my illness, how can I tell them about the voices in my head?  I learned at a young age to harden my feelings to what people thought and just kept everything inside which wasn’t good either.  I am like a broken record that tends to dwell on the past, who hurt me and why, how to  figure out ways for a better outcome etc.  There were only a few guys I ever loved and the last one it took two years to finally get over him truly.  Smiling for the world but is dying inside, no one to talk to because I always got ignored (I used to spam text people just to not hear those voices in my head aswell).  It’s not like I had much friends to begin with, I was always picky on who I let in but alas, people suck lol.  Having consist self loathing, I hated that the most,  “how can my own mind betray me like this?”  What else can I do  if my own mind can’t control my thoughts?  Depression isn’t like an off switch, one minute you are good and then that darkness takes over, how I hated that darkness.  But for those who struggle, I am here to tell you that there is a light towards that tunnel, right now I only see a glimpse of it but believe you and me I am drinking it all up.  If I was to do something differently I would seek help sooner, I never wanted to go because at that point I didn’t trust doctors, as for my illness, two of my more level headed former coworkers (quit working at Macy’s in 2010) told me about eating organic, I was of course Ignorance and reluctant but I tried it, changed my eating habits  completely, not to mention in 2009 I finally found a doctor that gave me  antibiotics and I started to gain weight again!  I didn’t have GERDS like I use to my IBS stopped and I was still getting heartburn and still couldn’t wear jeans etc but no more pain!😁  Pain triggers my despression like personal pain so I am like a rock now, “ice queen” some people call me lol

For those who are suffering right now, do know there you aren’t alone because you have people like me that will be here to read and listen to you, I don’t want people to suffer alone like I did, that can lead to reckless stuff.  People suck and they lack empathy, they truly do not understand until they themselves felt it and it shouldn’t be like that.  Like I already wrote,  you aren’t alone and keep going because eventually you will find that purpose in life your “WHY” and when you do, shine at it!

red lighted candle
Photo by imagesthai.com on Pexels.com

Stepping out of the norm

It’s very frustrating at steping out of the norm.  What I am working on most people do not understand, can’t relate or discourage me from continuing.  It hurts when someone you care about has nothing but negative things to say about what you are doing but will encourage you to spend thousands of dollars in school that probably won’t guarantee a career after graduating depending on the major.

Even though it slightly hurt me, I remembered not everyone has the same mindset, not everyone is driven to step out of the norm, take a risk to become successful.  Their predetermined thoughts hinder them from seeing the bigger picture, I understood this, because I use to think like this and that is why I do not talk about what I am doing to most people.  I don’t even talk to my mom about it because I already know what she is going to say, she always wanted to own her own business but even as a child, I always felt she was missing “that thing” i don’t know how to explain it but something was always off about her.  I also notice this when she was selling Avon, but that is neither here or there lol.

Its crazy how complete strangers are far more supportive than your family and friends but luckily for me, the few people I talked to have been nothing but supportive.  If you don’t have that support, it’s ok, do you know why?  Because your success is the best revenge, you are your own competitions and they don’t determine your future, YOU DO.

If you are worried what other may think about you, then stepping out the norm isn’t for.  You only have one life, why are you living your life under the microscope of others?  I personally was never was like that but I sadly always played it safe because I was raised to do so, then I got comfortable just working up until recently.  Like a wrote in a previous blog I was working what use to be a two person job for one persons pay, and even after complaining to upper management about the work load, they clearly didn’t care.  I am a good worker, I work hard to earn my days wages, I am there to work and I don’t slack, but I know when I am being taken advantage of and my body and mental being was clearly being effected.  I was angry all the time, everything frustrated me (especially dealing with those incompetent mailhandlers🤦🏾‍♀️) and I didn’t want to be there.  Due to my depression, I hated being alone and at home, I needed to be around people to keep sane but after working that bid, I was so happy to be home and dreaded going back to work.  After being there for two years i was desparate for an escape but in-plant kept taking away bids and I was stuck, even though I was miserable, I did my job 100% because I was being paid.  Recently my luck finally changed and I got an opportunity to go back to school and I also got a bid!😁  I believe when an opportunity comes your way, no matter what it is you take it because you never know where it will lead you.  While preparing for school, I found out about something I usually never do and it was about the lottery.  I was on this high where I seen something I just said “fuck it” and do it, I learned a lot  about it but never exactly bought a ticket yet.  But one day I got an email that really changed my life and I believe it will definitely do so for the better.  You all must be thinking what it is that I am doing but it’s exactly what I am doing right now!  I am building my brand, I am writing blogs and I will be writing books in the near future.  I never thought I would be stepping out of the norm and doing things other than being an employee but I am very motivated and I know if I keep up with this, I will make it in the way I want to be.  I have my goals and I am still working them out as I go, I know things will get  frustrating but I know I mustn’t quit, because if I quit, I will be stuck at my job and trying to find a back up because we all know the post office isn’t going to be there forever.  I will have to continue with “active income” and have to be there  physically to actually make money, I don’t want to do this for 30+ years, I want to earn money while I sleep, so for me, quitting isn’t an option.  This goes for whoever is reading this right now…DONT QUIT! You can always take a break and/or reevaluate whatever it is your are doing but don’t quit, because you can always quit, so why quit now?

Keep going, keep pushing, keep grinding because you are the only one that determines your future.

beach ocean sand sea
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Being an employee and settling

I was going to write two separate blogs about this topic, but I almost forgot one of the topics so not to forget again, imma just write them together lol.

Both of these topics go hand and hand with me personally, settling as an employee that is.  As I settled for being an employee, I was also settling for a mundane life and lifestyle just to “play it safe”.  I also watch people settle with many things in their lives aswell: lovers, jobs, situations etc.  Are you one of these people that are settling?  Don’t get me wrong, I understand due to some situations you have to just do a job to survive.  I was raised by a single mother even though she was a nurse and made a decent salary, raising three children on your own (with no help by her loser ex-husband) was hard, so I understand if you aren’t happy at your job and it’s feeding your family by all means I am not judging or criticizing you, do what you need to do.  But those who settle with love because: “they don’t want to be alone” “they need to have sex all the time” “they don’t want to date anymore” (some of the excuses I heard people, mainly women have told me this) is that really an excuse to stay with someone that isn’t bringing out the best in you?  If that person isn’t supportive of your goals and dreams in life, why are you with that person?  If that person isn’t willing to better themselves and you have to keep on dumbing yourself to stay with that person who are you fooling and who is really the foolish one in the relationship?  “What do you know? You are single!”   I was told by a former friend “you don’t have kids so what do you know?”  Staying for the kids never works out, my mom has burn marks on her body from 1985 to prove “staying for the kids” isn’t worth a damn thing.  I am single all the time because I haven’t found anyone at my level, I simply refuse to settle, I don’t have patience for disrespect or constant lies.  I am too cute for jail, and I refuse to dumb myself down again for anyone, I refuse to wait on someone bullshit lies to see whether he will decide to make us official (I did that for a while only to find out he was still seeing his so called “ex-girlfriend.)  I guess I have poor taste in men so staying single is my best bet lol.

For the last 8 years or so I’ve seen nothing but constant failures and disappointments on and off, you name it I’ve probably experienced it.  Things like that come with a price and it scarred me deeply, I think is was earlier this year I decided to just say “fuck it” and just work, pay my debts off.  Even though, I settled on this kind of life I was very unhappy at my job.  The bid I was doing use to be a two person job they took one bid away after I got it so I was doing a two person job for one person pay for two years!  For a whole year I was trying to get another bid but upper management kept reverting bid and when they did put one up, a senior (someone with more years than me) switch their days.  I tried applying for in plant or management but they will always choose the ass kissers who came after me.  Working at post office, I learned working hard doesn’t get you anywhere anymore like it did in previous generations.  But this is also the problem, we have our parents who seen the benefits of working hard and teach us to: go to school, get a safe job with benefits, work hard and move up the ladder.  We sadly cannot do that anymore, these safe jobs aren’t safe anymore and it’s who you know, and not what you know to move up at work/in life.  Going to school is a waste of time too if it isn’t a “in demand” job like healthcare etc, heck, I know I make more money than some of the girls from my high school that have masters degrees.  $10/hours jobs with 90k student loan debt?  How do these numbers even add up?!  Being overlooked at my job stop bothering me when I just stopped caring, being a hard worker only gives you more work. But something change recent for me, if I talk about here you won’t beleive me, it’s hard to believe when you didn’t see what I’ve seen or experienced but my luck has finally changed for the better.  When a door opens for you, take it, we have many densities in life, it all depends on what path you choose to take.   When the older folks tell me “it’s not your time yet” I use to get so mad when I’d hear that, but now, I finally understand what they meant.  If I got a bid earlier, I would’ve never start on what I am doing today.  I am striving to become an entrepreneur, where can make money even while I sleep.  I want to be my own boss and not have to work so many hours to make a decent weekly/monthly income.  It’s very stressful right now, I will be on a soup and crackers diet for a while, that and I am not making the same amount of money anymore since I am on a different shift lol.  But my mindset has changed and I working hard for this lifestyle that I crave.  I understand my friend now, though I supported every move he’s made I said to myself “this isn’t for me, I will just work” I know these few years he’s been grinding will pay off immensely soon, but I see that these few years of sleepless nights, sacrificing etc will get the lifestyle we both deserve, all because we refuse to settle.  Settling for the mundane, settling for the employee life settling just in general!  I do hope all you who read this know we only have one life to live and it’s never to late to do/start the things you love.  It’s all a mindset, you tell yourself what you want and where you want to be, working hard for yourself it will pay off.  I know it will for me one day, it’s like the universe knew where it wanted me to go but after all these detours, I am striving to where I should be.  I will succeed!💯

group hand fist bump
Photo by rawpixel.com on Pexels.com